Jist a wee wanker so he is

yea jist goat tae love this

Wangled a bevy

God gie me strength honestly the wains aboot here are murder am cumin back fae the library ther wae ma paper and theres this wee boy on a bike cumin beltin doon the street and he isnae fur stoapin ah see there is  a car cumin  doon the other road and ah get a vision in ma heid of the wee guy going straight in tae the side of it. A roars oot “STOAP WEE MAN THERE IS A CAR CUMIN. This wee rug rat is aboot 5 year auld dis wan ah they slidin side stoaps  growls at me and says “Jist cause a wear glessis disnae mean am blind ya dick” then gets back oan the bike gies me the Vicky and peddles aff shoutin back it me “Mind yur ain next time” Thank god it wiznae his 8 year old brother ah wid probably hiv  goat chibbed.

Well ah nipped oot fur ah couple ah beers yisturday afternoon done ah deal wae the other hauf. ah git me a score and the wido can get two hunner oot the credit union.

No exactly the best deal ah hiv ever struck but honestly ah hid tae get oot ah that hoose ah wiz climbin the woz . anyway ah gets in the boozer ma big pal Jack sticks me up ah pint he iz the only wan in he hiz  only goat aboot a quarter pint ah lager left he gets me wan bit no himself.

ah takes two mouthfaes ah ma lager and then two of the other mates the gruesome twosum  John and Joe the black tie brothers (they always find the good funerals where yea get a couple of haufs and a feed ah swear they hiv a mole that works in the undertakers) Come in big Jack sawlly’s wit iz left ah hiz pint.

So anyway big Jack nods tae the bar man puts up 4 fingers tae indicate 4 pints then goes oot fur a smoke leavin muggings here tae pay fur the pints. Joe puts his hauns up right away.”Ah canny return the favour big yin am prattit” John declares a fiver is his wack am like fuk sake tae ma sell 8 quid aff the score so much for cheap pints. Joe swally’s his pint and does wan John spots an auld pal fae school well ah guy he knew who had a few quid in his pocket and weasels his way intae the guys company abandoning us. Jack orders two pints but only has 3 quid so ah hiv tae put a pond tae it so am doon tae 11 quid and ah hivnae been in an hour. 20 minutes later thats doon tae 7 quid and Jack is giving no indication he is leavin. I am swaying whether tae kid on am going home and double back wance Jack is away or jist buy another two pints and be done with it.

When god sent a messenger Big Davie swaggers in the door duffle bag over the shoulder jist aff the rig’s. Ya beauty ah orders 3 pints leavin me a knicker right away big Jack puts the grip oan Davie fur a score ma pleadin eyes tell him tae double it so am back where ah startit well a knicker better aff big Davie wiz buyin two drinks tae oor wan. 8acloak am in the hoose pissed wae a bag ah pakora fae Jimmy’s.and 13 quid introduction money fur the day aye God looks after his own.

ah need a pint

Tell yea whit hiv yea ever goat oot yur bed and the only thing yea can think aboot is a pint?. Honest tae god man. Noo ah don’t want tae gie the impression am some kinda alky ah like a pint just as much as the next man but Christ things are getting bad when your stoatin aboot the hoose at 5 in the moarnin thinkin ah could fair go a wee pint of Carling.

Ah checks the fridge hoping there might be a wee can lying at the back since the new year. am no a great wan fur drinkin in the hoose n that but yea always git in a cargo at the nerday daint yea but naw not a drop ah think my other hauf is a secret drinker.

So I decides Mr Tetley would have tae suffice bit it jist didnae reach the parts real lager does. So ah thinks right big yin Lee oot the milk pour the tea intae ah pint tumbler stick it in the fridge for twenty minutes tae get the temperature right shut our eyes and think lager yea know that thing yea see oan the telly convince yourself something isnae whit it realty is. I will tell yea that’s a load a Sh**e ma lager tasted like Fu**ing cauld tea and  bowfin tea at that.

Noo am sitting here tryin tae cum up wae a decent excuse tae masel  fur bumpin the debt money and going fur a pint or two. ah wish a knew somewan who wiz getting buried this moarnin the other hauf couldnae moan aboot me payin ma respects. Ah rechecks the deeds dictionary in the Times tae check that thur wiznae even somwans uncle ur sometin like that deed bit nae joy every cunt is still breathin.

So am off  doon tae the library tae take back the Times and get ma Record and no doubt have a wee spat wae the joab stealer. Then back here tae sit lookin oot the windae at the high flats wonderin how many immigrants hiv still tae get brand new hooses before they get pulled doon. Canny be many noo every day another fleet of removal vans arrive tae take them away.  Between them and the taxis that turn up awe day at the drug dealers hoose up the next close ah don’t know how ah hivnae died ah carbon monoxide poisoning. awe well better get doon here before sum cunt is aff wae ma paper. Noo that wid drive me tae drink.

POLITICIANS !

I am going to be serious this post folks don’t worry I won’t make it a habit gosh I typed that as if I was expecting people to actually read it. But just incase I will proceed.

ELECTION TIME. No doubt like me you have been getting pestered constantly with all these leaflets and door knockers trying to persuade us to give them our vote. I personally will not be giving up the comfort of my sofa to walk down to a school to put my mark on a job for some no use skiver that I will never hear about again for another 4 years. But yesterday I got really wound up. This party representative who I will describe as a numpty for lack of a better word comes to my door it does not matter what party he was from they are all the same only looking for a job with a good fiddle lots of nights out and trips abroad and a decent wage packet for telling lies ( hey I could do that anyone want to vote for me ?)

But seriously I tells him straight he is wasting his time and breath ( you should have heard his wheeze after climbing 3 flights of stairs to be greeted by my fuming face

(The Simpsons where on the box).But no he insists that he knows better and that I should listen to him. Now I don’t have any political allegiance but I know what I want to see happening in my country and the first thing is Jobs for the people I would say that about 40% of the people I know work in the building trade of that 80% of these guys cant find a job. Plumbers, electricians, joiners, brick layers the list goes on. Some of these guys have not had a job for over a year guys who have worked the past 20 – 30 years without ever experiencing any more than a couple of weeks on the dole.

Now here is my problem with that. in this city just now there are two major building contracts going on. The M74 extension and the massive commonwealth games village at Parkhead but how many people who come from the city are employed on those sites I will bet it is less that 20%. That is wrong and don’t give me the crap that we don’t have the skills to do the job because that is just nonsense it is because Scottish based companies either never knew who to bung or did not have the money to give the bung to the contract givers.

The state of our roads are a disgrace I have been driving for 30 years and in the last two years I have witnessed some serious dangerous driving that I have never experienced before as people drive along the roads swerving ,suddenly breaking or driving on the wrong side of the road to avoid wrecking  their cars down massive pot holes. I estimate that the only road in Glasgow that you could travel more than 50 metres on without having to swerve a deep pothole must be that new motorway extension that has not been used yet. Drivers are ripped off by taxes at every turn. Road tax ,Fuel duty, Parking tickets ,Speed cameras and heavy repair bills due to the state of the roads. Yet there are thousands of guys sitting at home capable and willing to get out there and fix those roads but the Government don’t have the money to pay for the repairs why because they would rather spend our money on things like Commonwealth Games, Olympic Venues, Parliament buildings? Scotland is full of empty offices and factories that you could hold meetings in. ok new Motorways could benefit some of us if we could afford to put petrol in our cars to travel. But surely it makes more sense to fix the ones we have first then build new roads.

This guy seemed convinced that there is a serious lack of skilled people in Scotland to carry out these jobs. And that for the future things looked bleaker because the youth of today are not being trained in the skills that will be needed to build a stronger better Britain. My answer to that is get all those Trades men sitting at home twiddling their thumbs praying for things to pick up soon before they end up homeless and hungry because they just cant make ends meet on dole money. Use the Skills they have and those empty buildings all over the country as training units for the youth to learn the skills that will be needed to make our country strong again. Yea it will cost money but it will create employment which in turn will boast the economy and with a rising economy the need for those skilled youths it would be money far better spent than the billions of pounds being squandered on games venues that will bring pleasure to few and debt  for millions of tax payers who will never see the inside of such places.  If any politician out there is willing to fight for the things above not only will I give you my vote I will give up my time to knock on doors for you.   Wow now that was a rant

Ted.

stoap, or just slow doon

London Lawyer Vs Glasgow Copper

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. 
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stoap at the stoap sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stoap. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stoap, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;
and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. 
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me tae stoap, or just slow doon?'t slow doon?'

Ma Council tax money.

Some guys jist won’t take a telling will they. Nipped down the shops there fur a daily record well the library but it is next to the shops nae point buyin it again is there the council already used ma money tae but it. So ah nip doon every morning blag the Record bring it hame wee awe read it then ah take it back doon when the Times comes in. This morning am comin oot the library wae ma paper ah hears this voice (Ah canny write in a Polish accent so bear with me here ) “Excuse me sir” ah looks left ah looks right then behind me ah canny see anyone one else around so right away ah realise he is talking tae me he must think I am a teacher.

“Whit baw bag” I replied

.”You can’t take that newspaper away”

” Who canny” I replied.

“I have told you before that is council property” he sings in that stupid accent

 “And ah told you Joab Stealer ah own the fuckin council so do one”

Every morning ah hiv tae go through this crap tae get a swatch at the racing pages.

You would think I wiz stealin it. He knows fine well ah always bring it back when the Times comes in and ah don’t even do the crossword like some ah could mention.

Any way as am commin back up the close Wee Jamsie Johnstone is sitting in the close the Schools are off again. A school uniform must last years now as the wains never get a chance tae wear them.

“Hey big yin yea goat a spare fag”

“Nah wee man”

“Any dowts in the hoose big man am choking fur a joint”

“Gies a minute” Ah replies he is a nice wee guy Jamsie ah know his Da & Ma well. ha ha it’s funny how he got his name his auld man Billy supports the Rangers but the week the wee man was born Billy was on a heavy bender and never appeared at the hospital so tae get her own back on him she registered his first born son James and tae top it off the wee guy has GINGER hair naw I mean FUCKING GINGER. His maw’s faither calls him wee Jinky just tae annoy the wee guys Da.

But back tae the point here ah empty an ashtray intae a paper bag stub ends of ma roll ups widnae see anyone going without a smoke I know what that’s like. Ah takes them oot an gies the bag tae Wee Jamsie. He takes the bag looks inside then gies it

“Fur fuck sake big yin it would take me a month tae break enough of them up fur a joint ah will give it a miss”

Honestly they don’t know their born some of them.

Ah jist sits doon ah cup of tea a roll up and ma paper studying the form through ma one lens specs and ah hears this commotion out in the street. No that am wan of they noisy gits but ah like tae know whit’s going on in my own street. There’s Wee Jamsie getting man handled in tae a Police van way two big coppers. ah take it that stuck up bint up the stair must have heard him in the close and phoned the coppers.  Ah bet if you had tae get a grip of her phone bill 90% of her calls would be tae the Gorbals cop shop. Ah don’t know live and let live ah say but the sooner that Auld bint croaks it the better.